


Young Dumb And In Love

by IBoatedHere



Series: Post Bleachers: Domestic Bliss [4]
Category: Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Arguing, Baking, Birthday, Birthday Party, Cooking, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Stress Baking, Thanksgiving, Vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-06-03 01:43:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6591505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IBoatedHere/pseuds/IBoatedHere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben has a pre-quarter life crisis and Caleb stress bakes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Young Dumb And In Love

**Author's Note:**

> These were supposed to be short updates- I say to myself every time I write another 1000 words.

“I'm fucked.”

Ben shuts the door behind him and drops all his books on the floor. 

“Hi honey,” Caleb calls brightly from the kitchen, “rough day?”

He recollects the books into his arms and joins Caleb in the kitchen, pausing briefly to kiss him hello as he stirs something in a pot on the stove, then dumps the books on the kitchen table. 

“I'm completely screwed. I'm about to start my junior year and I have no real plan for the future. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I don't have any internships lined up and I don't even know where I would intern.”

“Classes haven't even started yet.”

“Nathan already had an internship lined up.”

“Nathan is going into journalism.”

“Yes. He knows what he wants to do. He has it figured out and me with my stupid poly-sci major has no idea what's going on. There are too many options.”

“Why is that bad?”

“Because there are too many things to pick from.”

“And you have to pick right now?”

“I have to pick soon. Before you know it this year is going to be over and I’m going to be looking into grad school so I need to pick sometime in the next thirty minutes or I might as well just drop out now and accept the fact that we’re all destined to work well below our potential and start looking for jobs as a waiter or a bartender or-.”

“A barista.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Ben says sharply with his hand darting out and fingers curling around Caleb’s wrist. The _don’t put words in my mouth_ hangs between them because Ben has a tendency to tip toe around people's feelings until he’s had enough and anything negative towards Caleb is enough, even when it’s coming from himself. “That’s not what I meant.”

And Caleb knows that.

“I’m just saying…”

“That it’s not right for you. I know that,” Caleb flips his hand and squeezes his fingers. “You’re meant for more.”

“And so are you,” Ben says fast then backtracks. “If you want it, if you don’t, if this is what makes you happy then that’s great I’m always going to support you and you’re so lucky that you figured it out so soon, I’m actually jealous of you…”

“Alright, Benny, alright. Stop talking yourself into a corner. I don’t plan on pouring coffee or overseeing fishing charters my whole life. It’s enough for right now.”

Kind of. Money is tight but they make do.

“What do you see yourself doing? Why aren’t you freaking out about it?”

“Why would I? You freak out enough for the both of us?”

Ben kicks him beneath the table and doesn’t let it go.

“I don’t know, honestly. I think I always thought I would travel my whole life. You know, from Europe I’d go to South East Asia then Australia then South America and when I thought I was done I’d start it all over again. When I needed money I’d look for a job or work to earn my place. Figure it out as I go.” He gestures around the apartment. “I never really planned on all of this.”

“Huh,” Ben taps the end of the pen against the table. “So I basically ruined your life.”

_“I didn't say that.”_

“You could be in Vietnam or South Korea right now.” 

“I'd rather be here.” 

“Really, sitting here listening to me complain about what I'm gonna do with my overpriced Ivy league education? Think of everything you could be doing. Everything you could be seeing right now.”

“I like what I'm seeing right now.”

Ben smiles softly, forgetting about his problems for just a moment before they come screaming back. 

“I'm so fucked.”

Caleb laughs and stands. “You are not. No more than anyone else our age,” he says as ladles soup into a bowl and sets it in front of him. “Eat. When was the last time you ate?”

“Whatever I had for breakfast this morning. If I had anything.”

“Benjamin.”

“I forgot,” he lifts the spoon to his mouth and almost moans. “This is really good, where'd you order it from?”

“I made it.”

“Don't lie.”

“I'm not lying,” Caleb says, offended. “I made that. From scratch. All of it.”

Ben looks between him and the bowl skeptically. “Why’d you make it?”

“I was bored and needed something to do. There’s recipe after recipe online.”

“You spent your free time on Pinterest?”

“It’s amazing the things you get to enjoy when you don’t stress out 24/7.”

“I’m jealous of that luxury,” he takes another spoonful of soup and sighs before saying “you really don't resent me for not being able to travel.”

“No, not at all. When you're president we’ll have plenty of time to travel.”

“Ha. Yeah, right.”

“You could be the president one day,” Caleb tells him, like he really believes it because he really does. 

Ben hums like this isn’t the first time he’s thought about it. “It’s a lot of work and I can barely handle this. If it wasn’t for you I probably wouldn’t have eaten anything today.”

“You’re only 20. You’ve got what, another 16 years to figure it out?”

“15.”

“Oh well then you’re screwed.”

 

*****

 

Every morning for two weeks Ben eats scrambled eggs with ham and mushrooms and cheese which are supposed to be omelets but Caleb can’t quite seems to get the hang of folding them. 

“It still tastes good.”

“It looks like a disaster,” Caleb mumbles as he watches his third youtube video about flipping an omelet. 

“Don’t be so shallow, looks aren’t everything,” he says as he spears a mushroom with his fork and holds it out to him. He never eats his mistakes. “Have some.”

Caleb begrudgingly takes what’s offered and goes back to the video. 

 

The next morning Caleb presents him with a restaurant quality omelet stuffed with spinach and goat cheese.

When he tries to make one for himself it comes out scrambled, again, and he stares down at it like he can’t understand how it happened. 

Before he can launch himself off into a tirade Ben switches their plates around. 

 

*****

 

Caleb takes a break from the omelets and focuses on french toast and pancakes. He makes his own english muffins and baked donuts. He buys the donut pan cheap off Amazon using Ben’s student Prime membership and then the floodgates open. He’s getting packages every other day. Pastry cutters and pizza stones, whisks and seven different sizes of spatulas. 

What he can’t find for the right price there he finds in tag sales and thrift stores. 

Nothing works completely correctly but Caleb is determined to achieve perfection with what he's got and he comes close every time.

He makes shrimp and pesto pizza with goat cheese which Ben sniffs at before he dives in and eats more than half of it by himself. 

There’s chow mein that Nathan refuses to believe isn’t from a restaurant and digs through the garbage looking for take out boxes. 

Red velvet cake with thick cream cheese frosting and creme brulee that cracks when they hit the top of it with their spoons.

Ben buys him a Kiss The Cook apron that Caleb says he won’t ever wear. But Ben comes home early (for once) and there he is in the kitchen not-so-carefully dipping chicken into hot oil wearing the thing. 

_“I didn’t want to get grease on me. Stop looking at me like that. It was all I had, it’s not that I like it or anything, it was out of necessity, okay, fine, kiss me and get it over with.”_

Ben gets up earlier every morning so he can go for a jog to help keep the weight off. 

Baseball doesn’t start up for another five months and he can’t wait that long. 

 

*****

 

It’s 3:12 in the morning and Ben is tossing and turning in bed.

Neither of them have slept at all. 

Right when Caleb thinks he's settled down he flips over and starts the process all over again. 

“Ben.”

“I know, I know, I'm sorry. I can't get comfortable. I can't fall asleep. I'll go in the spare room, it's not fair to you.”

Caleb swings his legs out from under the covers at the same time Ben does. 

“Come on. Kitchen.”

Caleb sits him down at the table with a mixing bowl he fills with flour, sugar, and cocoa powder and tells him to stir as he adds the eggs and melted butter.

“What's the point of this?”

“You can't sleep and I can't sleep so…”

“So brownies are going to help that?”

“Baking can be really relaxing. You know what would be really relaxing? I've got some pot…”

“Are you serious? Where'd you get that?”

“Don't worry about it.”

“Caleb, you can't just have that in here.”

“Don't be such a little narc, oh my god,” Caleb laughs. “You need some so bad.”

“I can't. What about-.”

 _“What about baseball_ , yeah I know but baseball doesn't start up for months. I promise it'll be out of your system by then.”

“Stop peer pressuring me,” Ben mumbles as he dumps open a bag of chocolate chips and dumps them all in. 

“You're really going for it.”

“Was I not supposed to?”

“It's fine. Whatever you want,” he lifts the bowl and pours it into a greased pan. 

“You know if you wanted to help me relax…” he leans back and spreads his legs a bit and Caleb rolls his eyes. 

“You kept me up until 3 in the morning and you think you're getting some? Yeah right,” he slides the empty bowl and spatula back to Ben who starts to lick them clean. While Caleb is putting the pan in the oven Ben takes a look at the digital clock on the microwave and laughs. 

“I have to be up in three hours.”

“Why are you taking a seven o’clock class? That’s a first year mistake, you should know better.”

“It’s eight o’clock but I have to be up early to get ready and go for a run because,” he tips the nearly clean bowl towards Caleb, “I can’t help myself.”

“Drop the class.”

“I can’t,” he does drop the spatula in the bowl and then his head into his hands. “Everything is going to get more intense when baseball starts. I don’t know how I’m going to fit it all in.”

“Quit baseball.”

“I can't do that.”

“You can't do everything. Something's gotta give.” 

“I know but….”

“Go get your schedule. Let me look at it. I'm cutting it in half.”

“You can't do that.” 

“By a third.” 

Ben shakes his head. 

“A quarter. Just go get it.”

“I’m thinking about applying for an internship for the Mayor’s office.”

Caleb heaves a sigh and says “We’re back up to a third.”

Ben protests and Caleb puts his hands up.

“You can’t do everything. You know I think the most of you but everyone has their limits and you hit yours five commitments ago.”

“People do it all the time.”

“Yes and they end up going crazy. That’s not happening to you. I’m not letting you willingly work yourself into a mental breakdown.”

“I don’t know what else to do.”

“I think you should quit your job.”

Ben laughs, just one short, humorless, outburst. “How am I going to do that and provide my half of the rent. I don’t even pay half. I have to pull at least a portion of my weight.”

“Don’t worry about that right now. They’ve been asking me if I wanted to go full time at the coffee shop so I’ll take them up on it.”

“You’ll have to stop going out on the boat. You like doing that.”

“They have to give me a day off every now and then. I’ll work something out.”

“We’ll never see each other.”

“We’re never going to see each other with the schedule you have now. We still have to sleep in the same bed at night,” he shrugs, “maybe, if you actually make it there and don’t fall asleep somewhere else.”

“I’ll always come home,” Ben says quietly and Caleb knows that. “Maybe I can put off grad school for a few years. Save up.”

“No way.”

“You have to let me do something.”

“I am, I’m letting you let me hack away at your schedule.”

“That’s not going to do anything moneywise. We could ask my dad-.”

“Nope.”

“What about your parents?”

“Not a chance.”

“We could move and find a place that’s not as expensive.”

“I love this kitchen.”

“You didn’t even care about a kitchen when you moved in.”

Caleb reaches over and covers Ben’s hand with his own. “We’re not moving.. We’ll figure it out.”

“But-.”

“I’ll figure it out. I didn’t mean to make you worry about more stuff. That’s the opposite of my goal.”

 

Ben eats half a pan of brownies while Caleb takes a red pen to his schedule. He circles four classes and Ben absolutely _does not need_ and tells him to drop them. 

He doesn't put up much of a fight, he can’t with his head resting on his hand and his eyes drooping. 

Caleb herds him into bed and shuts off the alarm and grants him an extra hour and a half of sleep. 

 

He’s grateful for it and when he kisses him goodbye before he walks out the door Caleb can only see the faint outline of dark circles beneath his eyes. 

 

*****

 

Caleb spends his breaks at the coffee shop googling what to expect at an internship and the results are grim. 

 

Looking up how stressful gradschool is is even worse. 

_Work all day and go to class all night._

There is no way that anyone can understand grad school if you are not in it.

_Get ready for a "grad school breakdown"._

Once he gets to the bottom and sees the line _Failed Relationships Aplenty_ he has to stop. 

He slides his phone into his apron pocket and takes a few deep breaths before he goes back to work and tries to figure out a way they’re going to survive this. 

 

*****

 

They get drunk on cooking wine. 

Caleb buys two bottles and has his fake ID ready in line at the grocery store but the teenage cashiers rings it through without asking for it and Caleb feels mildly offended that the kid thinks he looks old enough to not ask for it. 

He used half a bottle for his braised short ribs that are falling off the bone when Ben gets home. 

He drops his stuff by the door, pets Sturges, and grabs the half bottle off the counter and takes a swig without even pressing Caleb about where or how he got it. 

He coughs and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. 

“Okay, do I hate wine or do I just hate this wine?”

“It's cooking wine,” Caleb tells him as he gently removes the bottle from his hand. “You're not supposed to drink it like that. It'll taste better when you eat it.”

It doesn't. 

It's too salty.

Caleb scrapes the leftovers into the garbage. 

“So you're not going to use this other one?” Ben asks as he pops the cork. 

“How bad was your day?” 

Ben sighs dramatically as he tips his head back to take a long pull from the bottle.

 

Forty minutes later they're both on the kitchen floor with two empty bottles between them. Ben is using Sturges as a pillow and Caleb's holding his phone a few inches from his eyes so he can focus on the screen. 

“You're not supposed to drink this,” he says. 

“Whoops,” Ben answers back as he gets the last drops out the bottle. 

“You're not even supposed to cook with it. Shit. It's loaded with salt and messes everything up.”

“That why dinner was so salty?”

“You said it was good.”

“I lied,” he shrugs then smiles at Caleb. “Love you though, thanks for dinner.”

“I should've bought real wine.”

“How are you gonna do that?”

“Fake ID.”

“You still have that thing?”

“I was ready to use it but the kid didn't card me….” He pauses to read some more then laughs, “because some stores don't card you because only idiot teenagers want to get drunk off cooking wine.” 

“Ha,” Ben laughs sharply and Sturges decides he's had enough and stands making Ben's head hit the floor. “Ouch. Traitor.” He mumbles as he tips the bottle back one more time. 

“There's nothing left in there, Benny.”

Ben pouts. 

“We have any other alcohol?”

“A couple of beers in the fridge that Nathan left.”

“Not strong enough.”

“What happened today?” 

“I'm just stressed out. Stress happened today. I need to think about something other than school.” 

“I made cheesecake.”

It takes him serve earl tries but he finally lifts himself off the floor, opens the fridge and sets a cheesecake covered with chocolate ganache and toasted coconut on the floor in front of Ben. 

“I'll get some plates and a knife.”

“No, don't bother,” Ben pulls him down with one hand and reaches the other up and opens up the drawer and grabs a handful of silverware. He pushes a spoon at Caleb and grabs a fork for himself. “Too many dishes. There's already too many. Just eat it like this.” 

Caleb leans back on his elbow and watches Ben dig in. 

“Oh my god, I can't believe I've been lying on this floor for almost an hour and I'm just eating this now. We should've had this for dinner.”

“Dinner wasn't that bad.” 

“No, it wasn't. If it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't ever eat so thank you. Why aren't you eating? I'll eat this whole thing myself.”

Caleb dips his spoon into the side of the cheesecake. 

“Why did you even make this? You don't even like coconut.”

“You do. I made it for you.”

“Oh,” he looks down at it then grabs a fork and starts to scrape off the coconut from the to, shoves it into his mouth when it's full then starts the whole thing over again. 

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I'm eating the coconut off so you can have some too.”

“Ugh.”

“What? You can't accuse me of double dipping. Germs don't exist between committed couples, that's a fact.”

“It's not that. You're being really nice and sometimes when I think about how much I love you it hits me like that. It makes my stomach hurt.”

“That's an awful thing to say.”

“I mean it in a good way. It's like that feeling you get when you get a stomachache from eating too much candy. Like a happy stomach ache.”

“Oh.”

“I used to get it all the time around you in high school. Just one look at you and I thought I could throw up.”

Ben kicks him in the shin but he's lying almost flat on the floor so it does nothing. 

“Throw up a rainbow or something. Unicorn. Cotton candy.” 

“You're drunk.”

“So are you.”

“Yup.” He licks his fork clean in what Caleb thinks is supposed to be sexy. “You wanna go make out?”

“Yeah, sure. I don't know if I can get up though, might have to carry me.” 

It's a struggle but Ben finally gets to his feet and puts the cake in the fridge. 

Caleb is dead weight when Ben tries to help him up. 

“Oh my god. You are so heavy. You should start running again.”

“Again? I never ran. That's you.”

“I started running again.”

“Because you have so much time on your hands stop trying to lift me and give up and get down here.”

“I'm not a quitter,” Ben says as he quits and drops down across Caleb's lap. 

 

*****

 

They go to California for Thanksgiving. 

 

It’s the first time Ben isn’t going to be with his father for a holiday and asks him over and over again if that’s okay.

“Go, my god, you’d be an idiot not to,” he tells him referring to the three feet of snow already on the ground. Everyone keeps saying it’s going to be a hell of a winter. “I’ll survive without you.”

“I just don’t want you to be alone.”

“I won’t be alone, I have Sam.”

“But-.”

“Honestly, Benjamin, if you don’t go, I will. Go, have fun, enjoy the weather, and wear sunscreen.”

 

It’s 70 degrees when they land and Sarah meets them in shorts, a t-shirt, and flip flops out on the curb. 

She hugs them until someone from security tells them they need to get a move on. 

They toss their winter coats in the trunk with their luggage and listen to her point out all the things they can do for fun this week. 

They stop for lunch and eat fish tacos on a patio right on the water. 

Ben refuses to let Sarah pay which shocks the hell out of Caleb since he put up such a stink when Caleb didn’t let her pay for their plane tickets. 

“What does he want for Christmas?” Sarah asks Caleb once Ben has left to pay for the check at the counter. Caleb watches him through the open patio doors. 

“More time. More hours in the day. He’s just a big ball of stress. He brought so much work with him. He applied for an internship at the mayor’s office and it’s all he can think about. If he gets it it’s going to be so much more work for him and if he doesn’t I don’t know what he’ll do. I keep thinking nothing could be worse than what he’s going through now but….he’s not sleeping well and he only eats when I make him.”

Sarah presses her lips into a thin line and nods her head before she says “I was thinking about a gift card or something.”

Caleb rolls his eyes and presses on. “I thought it was normal at first but I look at him and I look at all his friends and it’s just off the charts. I'm starting to get worried.”

“Have you told him that?”

All the time in a hundred different ways. 

_“Go to bed.”_

_“Take a break.”_

_“I'm making that pizza you like for dinner.”_

_How many cups of coffee have you had today?”_

_“Drink this, it's got kale and cherries in it, supposed to be good for your joints. Don't think I haven't seen the way you've been rolling your shoulder and baseball is months away. It’s not going to get better on it’s own.”_

“Yes. Over and over again.”

“He seems okay now,” she says, watching Ben as he tries to pay for their meal. The young woman behind the counter seems to be flirting relentlessly and Ben is too polite to do anything but nods along and make noncommittal noises at her. Caleb's seen it happen before and it's always one of the funniest things he's ever seen. 

“He's not okay and it’s not going to get better. I researched about grad school and internships everything I read basically said say goodbye to your loved ones because they’re going to be working so much you’re never going to see them. And don’t get me started on baseball.”

“He likes doing something for himself. You can’t fault him for that.”

“I’m not but I want him to understand he can’t do everything at once. He won’t drop anything, he won’t let me work full time…”

“Are you having money problems?”

“No, not really, no more than anyone else our age.”

“Do you need money?”

“Money is not the problem. It's everything else.” 

“It’ll work itself out. I know it doesn’t seem that way now but you two are crazy for each other.”

“What if that’s not enough. Let's be realistic.”

“Realistically,” Sarah says as she covers Caleb’s hand with her own. “You two will be okay. It might be difficult sometimes but you’ll figure it out.” She pats his hand. “God, did you pay that girl to flirt with him? Does that happen a lot?”

“Occasionally,” Caleb laughs. “I let it happen. It’s good for his self-esteem. I like how red his face gets.”

Sarah smiles softly. “You have a good thing with him, Caleb.”

“The best.” 

 

*****

 

“Leave the book.”

“What?”

“Leave it. I know it’s for a class and you spent most of the flight over reading it. We’re going to the beach. Take a break.”

“I was going to read a book anyways so I might as well…”

“Do you like reading it?”

“No, I think it’s pointless and pretentious.”

“Then leave it and anything else school related. We’re here to relax.”

“But…”

“Do it. Do I have to search you?”

“Okay just-”

“Ben.”

“I'm just-”

“Benny.”

“Let me-”

“Benjamin Tallmadge.”

“Okay, okay.” He drops the book on the couch then pulls two more out of the bag. 

 

*****

 

“I’m an idiot. Why didn’t I go to school here?”

They’re lying on a blanket in the sand while the sun dries salt to their skin. Caleb rolls over and throws an arm across Ben. 

“I could pour coffee here and look at all the boats.”

“It would be nice.”

“Is it too late to transfer?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Just as well, Sturges would miss the snow.”

 

*****

 

Caleb kicks Sarah out of the kitchen on Thanksgiving. 

“Is this store bought pie crust?”

“It’s what I always use.”

“Not anymore. Where’s the cream cheese?”

“What's that for? We don't have any.”

“It's for the potatoes it makes them creamy and I need it.” 

“I don't have it.”

“Ben,”

“Do not make your boyfriend go to the store on Thanksgiving for cream cheese.”

“He would do it, he loves me.”

“No.”

“Unbelievable. I spend eighteen years providing every meal for him and now he decides he wants to cook.”

“He just got into it. We haven’t had take out in months.”

“Ben, why are you just lying there? Get in here and help me.”

“But I'm,”

“Get in here now.”

 

Together (but mostly Caleb) they make a full meal. The turkey, all the sides, and four different desserts. 

 

*****

 

After dinner Ben lies on the bed in Caleb's parents spare room and let's himself be kissed until Caleb tries to push it further. 

“I can't.”

“What?”

“Did you not see the pile of food I ate? I don't even know how I made it in here. I should be passed out on the couch right now.”

“I think my dad's out there.”

Ben laughs and Caleb rolls off him. 

“Brought down by my own creation.” 

 

******

 

“Look how tan you both are, I'm so jealous,” Natalie exclaims with a wave of her hand at co-worker to tell him to go get their dog. “Did you have fun? You look so relaxed. I’m so jealous. Sturges was great, as always, but we could tell he missed you.”

They listen to Natalie prattle on with their hands clasped together. 

 

*****

 

A week before Christmas Caleb’s parents send Ben one hundred and fifty dollars worth of gift cards to Starbucks and Dunkin. 

Caleb gets a new KitchenAid mixer with all the attachments which Ben has to carry up the stairs because the UPS guy refused. 

 

*****

 

“You need a haircut,” Caleb tells him as his thick hair slides through his fingers. His scratches his nails against his scalp and Ben tips his head into the touch and sighs happily.

“I'm gonna grow it out.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I think it’s time for a change.”

He drops his head down and rests his chin on Ben’s shoulder and says “California really got a hold of you, didn’t it.”

“It was a nice vacation.”

 

*****

 

So Ben starts to grow his hair out with only mild teasing from his father and Sam when Caleb texts him a picture without Ben knowing about it. 

When Caleb was born his mom cut her hair very short and she told him later that growing it out was one of the hardest things she’s ever had to go through. 

He thinks he understands why when he looks at Ben. 

It’s not that he looks bad or anything. It’s just that after a few months of not getting it cut his hair is at that awkward length where it’s not short or long but somewhere in between. It falls into his eyes but he can’t pull it back so he’s constantly pushing at it with his fingers or the inside of his wrist and Caleb wants to buy him some hairclips or something just to see the look on Ben’s face when he pulls them out of the bag.

He looks young. Youthful in a way that a junior at Yale with the weight of the world on his shoulders shouldn’t. It clashes with the hard set of his jaw as he studies at the kitchen table well into the night and the dark circles under his eyes as a result of it and the cup of coffee that’s practically glued to his hand. 

He doesn’t say anything about it. 

Nathan does that for him. 

He and Ben on the couch watching TV and out of nowhere Nathan takes a bite of his chocolate cupcake with salted caramel buttercream and says “you know, you look like a child.”

Caleb hastily packs away the rest of the cupcakes and pretends not to have heard him. 

“What?”

“Your hair,” Nathan says around another bite. His eyes haven’t left the screen. “It’s very childlike. Didn’t you have that exact same style when you were in third grade? I can call your dad and get yearbook pics.”

Caleb pops the top on the container and doesn’t know what to do now. He thinks if he’s still enough Ben will just forget he’s there. 

“Caleb, back me up on this.”

“Hey, fuck you, Nathan,” Caleb says barely loud enough for them for them to hear. When he finally looks up they’re both staring at him expectantly. Nathan’s face is covered in chocolate and glee and Ben is frowning. Even Sturges, who is sitting by their feet, looks like he’s waiting for Caleb’s answer.

“Well.”

Nathan leans back against the cushions and laughs and Ben hops to his feet. 

“You agree with him?”

“There's a reason I don't kiss you in public anymore.” 

Ben looks so betrayed and Nathan is cracking up. 

“It's not that you look bad, you just look so young and I don't want people looking at me weird.” 

Ben stands up and calls them both douchebags. Caleb feels bad until he realizes how infectious Nathan's laugh can be and they're both gone with giggles. 

Ben gets him back. 

 

Ben’s on the couch reading out of a textbook and Caleb has been watching him as he cleaned the kitchen for the last half hour. He has his glasses on and Caleb has always had a soft spot for that. 

Finally he gives in and closes the book on him, Ben rolling his eye and huffing out a breath when Caleb climbs onto his lap, knees bracketing his hips and hands against his chest, so solid, _thank you baseball._

He tries to kiss him but Ben turns his head to the side so Caleb starts on his jaw, a day's worth of stubble rough against his lips. 

“C’mon,” Caleb mumbles, he presses his hips down. Ben grasps at him and Caleb thinks God yes until Ben's forcing him back and saying no. 

Caleb’s mouth hovers above his skin for a moment before he sits up straight to look at him. 

“I just think you're too old for me.”

Caleb's still gaping when Ben easily lifts him off of him, _fuck baseball_ , and dumps him on the couch next to him. 

He picks up his book, crosses his legs, and goes back to reading. 

 

*****

 

Then. 

 

Then Caleb comes home one day and finds Ben beneath the kitchen sink trying to fix the leak. 

“Call the super,” Caleb tells him as he tosses the mail on the island. Bills, bills, junk, bills. 

“No way,” Ben answers and there's a small bang of metal on then Ben softly saying the fuck before he's sitting up to look at Caleb. “The new guy sucks.” 

He's got his flannel sleeves rolled up to his elbows and his long legs are stretched out in front of him. His hair is gathered into a messy bun at the back of his head. He's all sharp cheekbones and blue eyes and his. Sometimes it hits him like this. Sometimes he’ll look at him and he won't be able to breathe because Ben chose him. Out of all the people in the world he could have- that he could still have, he knows Yale is full of them- he wants him. Some people never get what the two of them have. The look and look and finally they settle or give up and part of them is always missing. He found his missing piece at 17. How did that happen?

Ben's still talking-bitching- about the new landlord when Caleb drops down ontop of him. 

_“Hello._ Oh. Am I the right age for you now?” 

They kiss as the water slowly drips from the pipe. 

 

*****

 

“Hey, what the hell is that?” Ben hasn’t even dropped his bag next to the door because he’s pointing with both hands at Caleb’s hand. 

There’s a giant, off-white bandage wrapped around his left thumb.

Caleb pauses chopping tomatoes and adds them to a pot on the stove. “This? It’s nothing.”

“What did you do?”

“Just knicked myself. No big deal.”

“Why is the bandage so big? How’d you get it on there yourself?”

“Didn’t. Had a little help from the good people at the ER.”

Now Ben drops his stuff and races over.

“You went to the ER?”

“I was trying to cut some butternut squash,” Caleb begins conversationally, talking with his right hand and swinging the knife around, “and my hand slipped and so did the knife and there ya go.”

“There ya go,” Ben parrots back in disbelief.

“I didn’t think it was that big of a deal but it would not stop bleeding so-.”

“You called 911?”

“No, I just drove myself.”

“You drove yourself?”

“Yeah. Sat in the ER for an hour and a half before they called me in,” he holds the bandage a few inches in front of Ben’s face. “Six stitches later they let me go.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“You were in class. I didn’t want to worry you.”

“You were in the emergency room.”

“For a stupid little cut. It’s not like I was shot or anything. I wasn’t bleeding out. I would’ve been taken a lot sooner if I was. I know you had that test today. It was my fault. The knifes a little dull. I should look into getting new ones.”

“If you ever end up in the ER again call me. I’m serious.”

“Even if you’re taking your final?”

“At least text me.”

 

******

 

“What now?”

“Good timing. Not a cut. Don’t blame the knives. Burned myself on the cast iron skillet. Shit gets hot.”

“Yeah especially when you stick it in the oven,” Ben murmurs as he makes his way over. “Let me see.”

Caleb slowly peels the towel away to show Ben the mark. It spans the whole width of his palm and is bright red. 

“Does it hurt?”

“I’m dying but I’m trying not to worry you.”

“So brave,” he flips on the cool water and sticks Caleb’s hand beneath it. “Wait here. I’ll be right back.” He pats his back and leaves him in the kitchen. A few minutes later he comes back with a bottle of aloe and a handful of band aids. “Our first aid kit is really lacking,” he says as he gently pulls Caleb's hand out of the water and pats the counter telling him to hop up. He steps between his legs and dries his hand then smears on some aloe and sticks on three bandaids. “Still hurt?”

It’s been years but sometimes Caleb still can’t believe he gets to be this close to him. His voice is breathy and weak when he says “not as much.”

Ben presses a gentle kiss over the bandages and it's ridiculous how in love with him he is. 

When Caleb turns back to the pan Ben's drapes a potholder over the handle and then himself over Caleb's back. 

“What are you making?” He asks into the side of his neck. 

“Civet De Lapin. Rabbit stew.”

“Rabbit.”

“Yes. It's French. It's fancy.”

Ben takes a deep breath. Caleb feels his chest rise and fall. 

“I had a rabbit growing up.”

“Really?” Caleb treads carefully. “What was its name?”

“Clover. He was grey and had floppy ears.”

“You know this ain't Clover.”

“I know.”

Caleb taps the spoon on the side of the skillet and turns the stove off. 

“I’ll put a pizza in the oven for you.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“That’s why it's there in case something like this happened.”

“Caleb, it’s fine. I’ll eat the bunny.”

Caleb shoots him a very pointed look. “You’re not going to enjoy and I’m not going to sit there while you try to hide that you’re crying into your bowl.”

 

*****

 

When the alarm goes off Ben reaches across Caleb to turn it off then wraps his arm around him and hauls him towards his chest. 

“Stay in bed with me. Call out sick.” 

“I can't.”

“You've never taken a day off. I can't go to a class that's full because everyone is out sick,” he holds him tighter and kisses the side of his neck with no intention of taking it further. 

“Hey, one of us has to work to pay for things.”

“Don't make me feel bad about that and one day won't bankrupt us. Stay. It's my birthday.”

“I can’t, I gotta go. I have things I need to do. Stuff I have to pick up.”

“I hope it's not a present.”

They agreed to stop doing that. They don't need anything and they don't need to be spending excess money. For Caleb's birthday all he wanted was to go out and get a drink without having to use his fake ID. 

 

Ben rounded up everyone Caleb knew, including Abe, Abigail, and Anna and made them all meet up at the bar down the street. 

It was packed and loud and Caleb had to hold Ben close so he could be heard. 

“I said I just wanted to go out, you didn’t need to do all this.”

“It was no problem, everyone wanted to be here.”

Natalie collided with them with a drink in both hands. She handed one off to Caleb then hugged them both. 

“Thank you guys so much for inviting me!” She said as she hugged them closer. 

“There are a ton of people here.”

“Yes and they all brought a present and they all want to buy you a drink meaning there are less things you have to buy for yourself and you don’t have to spend a penny of your own money to get drunk.”

“You are a genius and way too good for me.”

“Open your presents before you’re too drunk to thank people.”

An hour later Caleb was properly and legally drunk, made out with Ben in front of the whole bar and told Nathan all their secrets. 

“You know that couch you got us? We have had sex on it more times than I can count. And I can count. My boyfriend goes to Yale.”

He said the last part loud so everyone could hear and Ben smiled tightly as Nathan's face when ashen. “Yeah, so many times. We love the couch. You did a good thing finding it for us.”

“I sit on that couch. I've laid down on the couch.”

“Oh, trust me, so have we.” 

 

“It's not a present. Not really anyways.”

“Caleb.”

“It's not,” he kisses his forehead, “don't worry about it. Go back to sleep. I'll take Sturges so you won't have to worry about him. Sleep and eat and don't do any work. Please.”

“Stay home with me.” Ben tries again and Caleb shakes his head. 

“There are blueberry muffins on the counter and I'll start the coffee for you before I leave and for Christ sake, eat a piece of fruit.”

“You're awfully bossy on my birthday,” Ben says and Caleb is back down on the bed kissing and pulling at clothing. 

Sturges whines at the door and Ben rolls his eyes.

“Do you remember what life was like before we had a kid?” Caleb asks with a quick kiss and then he’s gone. 

 

*****

 

“Hey,” Caleb barks with an arm full of grocery bags and Sturges leash in his hands. 

Ben's on the couch with a book in his hands. Glasses on. 

“I told you no school work.”

“It's not for school,” he unclips the leash and holds up the book. It’s one of Caleb’s travel books. Germany. Some of the pages are dogeared. “I'm reading for fun.”

“I didn't know you still knew how to do that.”

Ben rolls his eyes and pulls a bottle from the bag. 

“Champagne?”

Caleb reaches for a glass on the top shelf but falls a few inches short. Ben's flat footed when he reaches up and curls his fingers around it

“I hate that you have to do that for me.”

“I don't believe you. Now, champagne?”

“Technically it's sparkling wine but don't be a dick about it,” he says as he pours a glass. “Did you know champagne can only be called champagne if it comes from the region of Champagne, France?”

“I didn’t, did you go there when you were in Europe?”

“Didn’t make it there. We’ll have to go sometime.”

Ben scoffs because really, and Caleb squeezes his hip as he moves past him to the other bags.

He takes out tomatoes and ricotta cheese and a loaf of freshly baked bread from the bakery he loves down the street. 

“You're making me dinner for my birthday?”

“I make you dinner everyday.”

Caleb pulls out a flat of strawberries. 

“Chocolate covered strawberries?”

“Do you think me simple? Anyone can do that, it’s not special. We’re making candied strawberries.”

“We’re?”

“Yeah, you’re helping with all of it.”

“You're going to trust me to do this?”

“It's the easiest thing you can make and I'm going to help you.”

 

“Why don't you do this?” Ben’s filling a dirty pot with water to wash it and Caleb is sliding their lasagna into the oven. They have to work on the garlic bread next.

He bats Ben’s hands away from the dishwater and takes over. “Do what?”

“Cooking or baking for a living.”

Caleb laughs. “I'm not a chef.”

“You don't need to be. Watch the Food Network for five minutes. Most of those people aren't chefs.”

“What are you talking about?”

“There's a new cupcake place popping up every week.”

“Yeah, because they all fail.”

“They're not you. They're not as good. And you like doing it so why not get paid to do it?”

“I don't know the first thing about opening a business.”

“Then take some business classes.”

“I'm not getting into Yale.”

“I'm not saying Yale and you could get in but there are a ton of other schools. You could take night classes or online classes. You could take cooking classes. You don't need to but if it'll make you feel better.” 

“Where would I get the money for that? If I worked full time I wouldn’t have the time to go to class and I can’t go to school without the money that comes from working full time.”

“Get a loan like everyone else.”

“You just want me to be in as much debt as you are.”

“I want everyone to be in as much debt as I am. Just get your parents to cosign it.”

“I don’t want to ask them for that.”

“So I guess just asking them for the money flat out is out of the question.”

“You’re so smart,” Caleb says dryly. “All that debt is worth something.”

“The offer still stands. I could put off grad school and let you do this. You deserve it especially after everything you’ve done for me.”

“I haven't done anything.”

“Caleb,” he puts his hand on his arm. “You've done everything for me.”

“It’s just not possible right now.”

“When will it be?”

“When you’re out of school…”

“You can’t wait for me. That’s not fair.”

“Nothing is fair, Ben. Let's be real.”

“Would you even want to?”

“Ben…”

“C’mon, answer me. For my birthday. If we had the money and you had the time and you didn’t have to worry about anything is this something you would want to pursue professionally?”

“I like it. It’s fun and I’m good at it.”

“That’s everything you want in a career.”

“Do we have to talk about this?” Caleb huffs. “It's your birthday. I want you to enjoy it. I want you to be happy.”

“Talking about our future makes me happy.”

Caleb sighs and dries his hands on a dishtowel before he puts both of them on Ben’s shoulders. 

“We can talk about it all you want but I don’t want you to worry about this. It’s my problem.”

“Your problems are my problems.”

Caleb groans and slides his arms around Ben’s back to hug him. 

“You’re ridiculous,” he says into his shoulder.

 

The lasagna is good but making out on the couch afterwards is even better. 

 

******

 

“He's very good,” the woman sitting in front of them says. 

They're watching Ben debate some poor underclassmen about the validity of climate change. The freshman is sweating in his seat and Ben looks calm like he's having a casual conversation with a close friend. 

“I know,” another woman answers back and Caleb swells with pride. “Is it too early to be thinking of campaign slogans? I'd love a spot on staff.”

“I bet you would.”

Nathan elbows him. 

“Shame about the boyfriend though.”

“Jealous?”

“No. Yes but it's not that. You think anyone will vote for him?”

“Why wouldn't they? In Connecticut or New York?”

“Local, fine but if he wants to be the President.”

“Who knows if he does.”

“Come on, this is Yale. Everyone wants to be the president.”

“People would still vote for him. He'd be a symbol. They'd love him.”

“Maybe that's why people wouldn't vote. He'd never win the south.”

“He wouldn't need to. The country is changing everyday.”

“They just got the right to marry and that's still contested. You think the presidency is next?”

“He has time. What? Fifteen years?”

 _Fourteen years._

“Not enough time. It would be a lot easier if he were straight. It can't pass it off as a phase at this point either. I heard they've been together since high school.” 

“Do you think he's here?”

“Do you think he knows he's holding him back?”

“Why don't you two shut the fuck up?” Nathan leans forward and whispers. 

“Excuse me?”

“Shut up. You're not as quiet or as smart as you think you are so shut up.”

The women scoff but move seats further away, their heads close together obviously still talking. 

Nathan turns to Caleb. “Don’t listen to them. They don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.”

Caleb nods his head but thinks that it’s too late. 

After the debate Ben joins them in the crowd. 

The women watch him the whole way right until he leans in and kisses Caleb. Then they blanch, mumble _oh shit_ under their breaths and run off, Nathan giving them a dirty look the whole way. 

“Do you want to go get pizza or something? The food at this thing is going to be small and pretentious and I'm starving.”

“Can you do that? Just leave?” 

Ben shrugs and pulls at the knot of his tie. “I think.”

 

Later, around an extra large pizza and beer he knows those women have no idea what the hell they were talking about. This boy, with his jacket off and sleeves rolled up, tie loose around his neck and lips poised around a bottle of beer laughing at something Nathan is saying, has years to grow up. Fourteen years is a long time. 

“Hey,” he says when he catches Caleb looking. “You alright?”

“Yeah, fine. Just thinking about getting you home.”

Ben blushes pink in the dim light and Nathan begs them both to knock it off because he's still eating and Caleb knocks his foot against Ben’s shin. 

When they get home Ben is handsy and tipsy and he pats Sturges on the head then puts his hand over Caleb's heart and backs him into the bedroom. 

“Your pizza is so much better than that pizza.”

“You have a really weird way to dirty talk.”

“You want dirty talk,” he pauses undoing Caleb's pants and leans down to whisper every filthy thing he can think of into his ear that makes Caleb never want to doubt any of his abilities every again. 

 

*****

 

Still. 

 

 _Is Ben into girls?_

_Wtf. I'm in class. Can't deal with this bullshit._

_This about what those assholes said?_

_Ignore them._

_Does he like them though?_

_You two never talked about this? Jesus._

_No. It's never come up. Why would it?_

_Why do you want to know now?_

_Just answer me. Before I came along._

_And fucked it up_ , he doesn't type but wants to. 

_He did but I don't know. He might have been trying to fit in._

_He's into you. That's all that should matter._

_Stop texting me. This is stupid._

_Talk to him if you're worried but don't FUCKING worry._

How does he talk to him? How does he look at him and seriously ask hey, _do you think your life would be easier if you fell in love with a girl?_

 

*****

 

Ben comes home to find him beating the hell out of a ball of dough on the counter. 

He squeezes his side as he walks by and dumps his stuff on the table. 

“Are you supposed to beat it like that?”

“If you don't beat it it won't rise correctly.”

Ben snorts and hops on the counter behind him. “Beat it. Rise. Cooking is filthy.”

“This is baking.”

“Well excuse me,” he says playfully, covering up Caleb's tense mood. “I have got a ton to do.”

“What else is new?”

“I know, right?” He jumps down and Caleb pressed both hands to the counter next to the dough and stare at Ben's back as he walks to the table. 

“Hey,” Caleb calls after him and he's ready to bring it up. Keeping it in is driving him crazy. It's affecting his baking. 

Ben turns back around with his eyebrows raised in question and his bottom lip between his teeth and Caleb shakes his head. 

“Never mind, I forgot.”

 

They eat dinner with Ben's books closed but still on the table.

He keeps looking at them when he thinks Caleb isn't looking (but Caleb is always looking) and dips a hunk of bread into the fire roasted red pepper and tomato soup in front of him. 

“The breads good.”

“It's a little tough.” 

“That's what happens when you beat it for too long.”

Caleb rolls his eyes as Ben laughs and Caleb waits for him to take a drink of water before he asks “do you ever think about marrying a woman?”

Ben immediately chokes on the water and Caleb reaches a hand out to pound on his back. 

“What?” Ben coughs. “What are you talking about?”

“Women. Maybe not marrying just yet but do you ever think about being with a woman?”

“I still don't get it, Caleb, is this….are you…” He sputters then leans in and asks “is this your way of asking if you want a….threesome.”

“No, Jesus,” Caleb explodes. “Why would you think that?”

Ben explodes right back. “What else am I supposed to think?”

“I just asked you a question.”

“You asked me if I thought about sleeping with someone else.”

“A woman. Specifically.”

“A specific woman?”

“No, just in general.” 

“Then I still don't know what's going on here. I think about sleeping with you.”

“But have you ever?”

“I don't know.”

“So you're walking down the street and you see a beautiful woman, do you think about sleeping with her?”

“Do you honestly think I'm the kind of person who thinks that way?” 

“You know what I mean.”

“No I don't because I don't know what the hell you're talking about.”

“It's hypothetical. Say I wasn't around. What if we had never met or we broke up while I was in Europe. Who would you be with right now?”

Ben rests his chin in his hand and studies him like one of those books he always has his nose in.

Caleb shifts in his seat and breaks eye contact. He regrets bringing this up. 

“Honestly,” Ben says, “if we weren't together I don't know who I'd be with or if I'd even be with anyone. But I need you to explain why you're asking me this now, after all these years. What happened?”

“It's not a big deal.”

“Caleb.” 

“I overheard a couple of women talking after your speech. They didn't know who I was or that I was sitting behind them but they knew I existed and they were saying how you're never going to be a high ranking elected with a boyfriend holding you back.”

“Holding me back?” There's fire in his eyes and he whips out his phone. “They said that?”

“Pretty much.”

“Who are they?”

“I don't know.”

“Does Nathan?” 

“I don't know. He told them off and they looked sorry.”

“They better be sorry,” Ben says as he's texting furiously. 

“They're right.”

Ben looks up from his phone and cocks his head. 

“Aren't they? Let's be realistic. It would be a lot easier if you had a girlfriend.”

Ben looks at him for a long time taking deep, controlled breaths.

“Let's say you're right. You're wrong, but hypothetically speaking, we break up and I marry a woman and everything is exactly how those two assholes want it to be. You think I could get rid of you that easily. We're not a secret. People know about us. Do you know how many pictures we're tagged in on Facebook? We're everywhere and it's so obvious we're not just roommates. You're all over me.” 

“I've thought about that.”

“You've thought about it? You've thought too much about it. They don't know what they're talking about. I'm not about to leave you and get married just because it might make things a little easier for me a decade down the road. I don't plan on doing any of this without you and if people decide that they don't want you then they don't want me. It's not that complicated. It's not something you need to worry about.”

“Your whole career could be dead before it even starts.”

Ben laughs a little, shakes his head and goes back to eating. “Then I’ll find a new one.”

“Like it’s that simple.”

“Caleb,” he covers Caleb’s hand with his own. “It really is.”

 

******

 

A week later at dinner Ben looks at Caleb as he's lifting his fork to his mouth. “Shit. It's our anniversary.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“What is it, four years?”

“Yup.”

Caleb pauses and tips his head to the side. “We'll do it up big next year.”

 

Caleb's walking down the hall when Ben comes out of the bathroom and crowds him against the wall.

Caleb laughs in surprise because no one sneaks up on him until Ben kisses him. It's urgent. Fingers on his jaw angling his head just right. He tastes like mint. 

“I'm a mess,” he admits, softly, whispering into the silence. “I don't know why you love me sometimes but you do.”

“Yeah,” Caleb says and he can barely say that. 

“I'm so in love with you,” Ben says back. Still whispering and Caleb kind of wants him to yell it out. Let the whole building know. “I love you so much and I don't say it enough.”

Caleb thinks, _you idiot, it's obvious in everything you do._

“I don't show it enough,” he continues and curls his hand in the front of Caleb's shirt. “I don't...I want...will you.”

And Caleb freezes. His heart stops. This is it. 

_Will you marry me?_

That's what's coming. He's going to ask. 

Caleb has yes on his tongue when Ben kisses him again, silencing him, turning that yes into a low moan. 

 

*****

 

Ben grabs a cookie off the cooling rack and Caleb comes out of nowhere to smack it out of his hand. Sturges catches it before it even hits the ground.

“What the hell was that?” He reaches for another cookie and Caleb shoves him out of the way before he can touch it.

“Those aren’t for you. They’re dog treats. You can eat them but I don’t think you’d want to. Taste like watery peanut butter.”

“Oh,” Ben says slowly. “You need a dog bone cookie cutter or something and how do you know what they taste like?”

“I taste everything I cook.”

Ben scrunches up his face and tosses another to Sturges then says “do you think we could get Nathan to eat one?”

“Don’t include me on that. I don’t want to be a part of it.” After a beat he says “but I’m not going to stop you either. Did you get the mail?”  
Ben groans dramatically. “No, I forgot. I’ll text Nathan and tell him to bring it up.”

 

Five minutes later Nathan opens the door without even knocking. 

“I was halfway up the stairs and turned around just to get this.” He shoves the stack of mail at Ben’s chest. “Oh, cookies.”

Ben is elated, dumping the mail on the counter and Caleb almost let's it happen, busying himself with the mail instead. At the last moment he has a crisis of conscience and speaks up. 

“Don't. Dog treats.”

Nathan drops it to Sturges and points a finger at Ben. “You were going to let me eat that thing.”

“It's edible, it's just…”

“What is this? Why are you getting mail from my mom?” Caleb slides his finger under the seal. 

“Wait, no,” Ben lunges across the kitchen knocking Nathan out of the way. 

Caleb pulls a check out of the envelope and stares at it. “Why is my mom writing me a check for ten thousand dollars?”

“Well.”

“Ben?”

“Should I go?”

“Why'd she do this? Did you know? Did you ask her?”

“No, I didn't ask her but I was talking to her.”

“You were talking to my mom?”

“Yeah, I talk to your mom but it wasn’t about this, it just happened to come up.”

“How does this happen to come up?”

“Hey, you guys,” Nathan says, “Don’t fight in front of the kid,” he covers Sturges’ ears with his hands and when he sees he’s done nothing to alleviate the tension says “or fight in front of your friend and make everything awkward.”

“C’mon Ben, you like talking so much so now's the time to talk.” 

“She's trying to help me and so am I.”

“So you both thought that going behind my back was the best way to do that.”

“It wasn't like that. We just think-”

“I think you just don’t like that your boyfriend doesn’t go to school and doesn’t have a five year plan.”

“That’s not true at all. Nathan, tell him that’s not true.”

Nathan is already halfway out the door. “Have a goodnight you guys, thanks for almost feeding me supper, I really enjoyed it, let's never do it again.”

“Nathan.”

But Ben’s talking to a closing door and Caleb and Ben are left alone staring at each other across the dining room.

“I don’t know why you’re so upset.”

“You went behind my back.”

“To help you. All I want is to help you.”

“I don’t need your help. I don’t need my parent’s help. I’ve done everything on my own.”

“That’s my point. Let me help you, for once.”

“I don’t want your help.” He scrubs his hands through his hair and grabs his key off the hook. “I think I need to go.”

“You’re leaving in the middle of this?”

“Yes because I can’t…” He stops to collect himself and puts his hands on Ben’s shoulders. “I need to not look at you right now.”

“Caleb.”

The door is already shut and Caleb is gone. 

 

*****

 

 _Caleb’s with me._

Ben gets the text from Nathan and sighs in relief. 

_He said I wasn’t supposed to tell you but…._

_Is he okay?_

_No but I’m staying with him. I’ll make sure he gets home._

_Does he even want to come home?_

_You want me to ask him?_

_No. Are you mad at me too?”_

_I don’t think you should’ve done that._

_WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?? This was the only way_

_And he explicitly asked you to drop it._

_I’m trying to help him. He’s so supportive of me and we’ve been through every other option and none of them work out so sometimes you just have to suck it up and ask for help. I don’t get why he’s so upset. I wouldn’t be mad if he did this. I don’t have a problem asking my dad for things. How the fuck you think I’m at Yale?_

_It’s almost as if you’re different people. You have to talk to him. I’m not going to be in the middle of this._

_YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS._

_STOP YELLING AT ME. You two needed a good fight anyways. I was sick of watching how perfect you are._

_I don't like the fighting._

_Shit happens. You'll get over it. See you later._

 

*****

 

Caleb comes into the bedroom and flops down right on top of Ben. 

His clothes are damp from the rain and his lips are cold when they press against the side of his head. 

“Do you want me to sleep in the spare room?”

“No,” Caleb is a heavy weight above him who refuses to dislodge. “Why would you do that?”

“Because we’re fighting.”

“Now we’re sleeping.”

“I can’t breathe.”

Caleb hums already well on the way to falling asleep and Ben tries to yank his arms and shoulders free to loosen the weight on his chest. 

He ends up on his back with Caleb’s head tucked beneath his chin and he still can’t take a deep breath but it’s better than it was. 

With his freed hands he's able to stroke one down his back and the other through his hair. He stretches, cat like, then settles back down. 

 

In the morning Caleb is still curled into a ball but he's lying at Ben's side. Ben is pushed to the far edge of the mattress barely hanging on. 

It’s easy to get up without disturbing him.

He makes coffee and leaves it on the nightstand. 

When he comes in the second time Caleb is awake with his head barely lifted off the pillow and squinting against the light that’s coming in from the open door. 

Ben steps inside and shuts the door behind him. The sudden movement and noise catches Caleb’s attention. 

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“How’s your head?”

“It’ll be better after you give me whatever you’re holding.”

Ben drops two aspirin into Caleb’s palm and hands over a glass of water. 

“I also brought you some coffee.” Ben carefully picks it up from the nightstand. 

“Ah,” Caleb sighs and takes the mug, “you’re beautiful.”

“Didn’t think so last night.”

“Sure I did. I just thought other things too.”

Ben says “I don’t think I’m sorry,” at the same time Caleb says “I’m going to take the money.”

Ben perks up. “Really?”

Caleb’s shoulders drop. “You’re not sorry?”

“I’m sorry for the way it played out, in front of Nathan and without me telling you it was coming but sometimes you need to just accept help. I want you to have everything you could ever want and I don’t see another way.”

“You should’ve talked to me about it.”

“I did talk to you about it,” he raises his voice just enough to make Caleb’s head ache. “I did talk to you about it,” he whispers and Caleb nods at the adjusted volume. “You wouldn’t listen. You’re so stubborn.”

“You’re one to talk. I had to practically beg you to slow down and drop some of the things you were trying to do and now you’re doing even more work.”

“I’m trying to do better.”

“Are you really? Last night was your first night off in three weeks.”

“And we spent it fighting.”

“That was both our faults, agreed?”

“Thank god we found each other. No one else would want us.”

They smile shyly at each other. 

“You’re really taking the money?”

Caleb nods. “It'll be a little while before I can pay them back and I hate that but.”

“Your mom said you don't have to pay them back.”

“I'm paying them back. Non-negotiable. Not sure exactly where to start.”

“That’s okay because I do,” he hands Caleb his cup of coffee and leans off the edge of the bed so he can reach into his nightstand. He pops back up with a stack of pamphlets and fliers. “I’ve been doing some research.”

“Are you kidding me?”

Ben settles against the pillow and pats the empty space next to him. 

“You’re not doing better? You’re adding my shit to your shit. See, this is what I was afraid of.”

“Hey,” he jostles Caleb a bit and looks calmer than he has in months. Like he’s had all this figured out forever. Caleb settles in beside him and rests his head on his shoulder. “Trust me here.”

“Alright,” Caleb says because he does trust him, implicitly. “What have you got?”


End file.
